I stood outside on the street when I heard an ice cream truck noise.
“Ice cream! I cream cone!” I screamed.
I ran into the middle of the road until the truck stopped. Then I ran around to the side. There was an overweight 40-something Hispanic woman serving ice cream in the back. She gave me the ice cream, and I decided to shove it up my asshole. I made an effort to maintain eye contact through the process of paying and unzipping my pants. “Cold! Cold!” I screamed.
The plot of this movie is that this woman’s intergalatic pubes enslave the fagaxy. And they need handsome young men to come along and take a big cleveland steamer shit on her chest. She then proceeds to vomit semen into the men’s anuses. Then it cuts to a flashback to Super 8, where the kid is dildoing the giant Alien, and saying, “I know we a go through hard times sometimes.” The alien cries and of course uses his own tears as lube. Then the Star Trek Enterprise crashes into a space-wall, which ends up being a giant robot’s asshole. The robot then farts and the galaxy is destroyed. It is left up to interpretation whether or not the crew could be surviving in an alternate plane of reality.
The main problem with this movie is that the woman has a really purple vagina. The guys have purple dicks, but that is at least normal. But I have a problem when her vegina does that thing where it activates the warp gate and the interstellar space drive malfunctions because her pubes get stuck in the machinery. I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone to get their pubes out of the god damn warp drive before you turn it on. The problem is, none of the characters even know what “pubes” means because they speak Spanish. I was a little pissed off no one told me the movie was going to be in Spanish. In conclusion, I would rather have a dog prolapse all over my face than watch this movie again. 4/10
I hate when people are like, “Oh, I’m going to raise a kid now, tee hee!” and I’m like, “Uh… RETARD DETECTED! DERP!!!!” Seriously, if you don’t think you’re going to do a retarded job, then you truly are retarded. Anyone who thinks they are a great parent and takes a lot of pride in that is probably an idiot. It’s like, you DO realize your child is eventually going to die of anal aids, painfully and horribly, and it’s all your fault for creating them, right?
I thought of this because I was watching the American The Office the other day, which is a show about romantic relationships. And Jim and Pam were being all faggy about getting the best daycare for their child or whatever, and being all excited and shit. It’s like, hey, you guys are retarded.
I also think the Jim and Pam relationship shit is kind of retarded. What’s with these promotional pictures of them together that aren’t even part of the show. It’s like, you know that these people aren’t actually getting married, don’t you Mr. Photographer? Why are you making them do this? Don’t you think this makes them feel kind of retarded? I hope my wedding isn’t like this. And by wedding, I mean The Office-themed masturbation session, where I masturbate to all the relationship drama scenes. I think someone should make a compilation of every unfunny relationship drama moment from The Office for all 9 seasons. And in Season 1 or whatever, I’ll just watch these scenes where Jenna Fischer is talking to her faggoty failure boyfriend who works DOWNSTAIRS like a RETARD, and Jim just looks at the camera all sad. I will blast my load all over my television screen onto Jim’s face.
There is a commercial for something, I don’t know what, and I hope I never find out, that starts, “We believe. We believe in–” OK… just stop right there. Do you think I’m fucking retarded? Do you? I know you don’t believe in shit other than making money. You don’t give a fuck about anything that could actually benefit anyone other than your own fat fucking face. You cunt. Go back to dildoing yourself, Mr. CEO, and stop pretending you actually believe in anything other than Allah and how he’s going to make you a bunch of money if you suck his big black dick.
The Hyundai Sonata looks like someone took a giant bloody shit and then stuck it in the microwave and drew a bunch of lines on it.
You know when you’re holding the door for someone but you feel a little awkward or confused about whether or not you should push the door way open, and look back at them to make sure that the door doesn’t slam on them, or if you can just open it a little larger than you normally would, but you don’t want to be that awkward fag who is obviously placing a lot of importance on how he opens the door, but he’s pretending he doesn’t care about the people behind him, but he obviously does. Where are these kind of moments in Disney movies? I’ve never seen a moment where people are making awkward eye contact in The Lion King or Alladin or Pixar’s the movie Up. Up was a real piece of shit, by the way, mostly because the grandfather was just too fucking ugly for life or anything. My blood boils when I look at his retarded fucking face. And look at the wife too. Eww, can you imagine her disgusting dried up cunt, which is filled with poop because she just shat her pants because she wears diapers because they are old disgusting smelly people? I mean it was kind of her fault for requesting only anal sex with 4 black men at a time so that her anus ruptured and her sphincter no longer operates correctly, so shit is just oozing out of her ass and making it’s way up her cunt all day long, so when the old man slaps her in the face with his big smelly greasy balls at the end of the day, she queefs out this rocket of shit and queef gas everywhere, and then she’s like “EUUEEGEGEG!!! WERE SO CUTE!” No you’re not you smelly cunt. And why is his face a fucking retarded square? Who thought that would be a good idea? Who thought that looks good? Whoever did should be shot in the fucking face and thrown in a giant pile of dead bodies labeled “miserable retarded failure faggots”. Seriously I cannot even fathom how they came up with such fucking retarded looking characters. It’s like they drew a character, but then they said, hey, you know what? His face isn’t rectangular enough. I want it to look more like a fucking box, and just more retarded overall. Could you do that for me? Thanks a lot, yeah yes I said angular, like a box. I want his head to have very sharp angles so that it just looks completely fucking retarded, yes.
This movie was also retarded if I remember correctly. Some story about two cunts getting old, some vapid meaningless bullshit that they knew everyone would like, so it took no risks. And the dog isn’t funny at all. Fuck the dog’s stupid voice thing. It’s not funny. Kill yourselves Pixar. Ratatouille was also shit. Mostly also because the animation was retarded. Why does everything have to be animated so cutesy fartsy overtweened overeased bullshit? It looks SO FUCKING BAD. STOP BEING RETARDED. STOP OVER EASING EVERY FUCKING MOVEMENT SO IT LOOKS SOOO FUCKING RETARDED. Just because lots of people animate things that way doesn’t mean you should TRY to make your animations look that way. It looks sooooooooooooo bad.
Also, just look at the old man’s face. He clearly just jizzed himself and probably shat his pants at the same time. He’s like, “Well, normally I just fill up my pants, I mean adult Daddy Diaper, with poop, but this time it’s jizz AND poop. Does it really get any better than this?” And look at the wife’s eyes after she kisses him. She’s got these really wide energetic psychotic eyes. You know what? Old people don’t make expressions like that. Old people are never that excited about anything, you retarded immature Pixar animators who have no life experience other than playing WoW and masturbating to A Bug’s Life. Old people never get that look on their face. You know why? Because the’re dead inside. They probably are ready to die and there’s no way they can care about anything that much anymore because at this point in their lives, God has taken a big fat shit on their lives and they have all these horrible health problems, and they just shit their pants constantly and hope they don’t die of being bitten by the bugs that eat the poop in their pants.
I hate when I’m listening to 70s funk and soul music and some black guy is like, “Don’t stop that… don’t stop that BODY ROCK!” It’s like, what the fuck are you trying to say? What the fuck is Body Rock? You sound fucking retarded. That shit isn’t cool anymore bro. Your slang is wack. You might as well just be like, “UH.. DO.. DON… DO… DU DU DUDU DO DO DoOOONT STOP… DOnt SToP … DONT STOP .. DO DODODO DUEDE DEDEDEDE DOO DU DERRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”